Ugh

I thought I had decided to close this page...but here I go with another post! 

I am beyond exhausted....not the kind of exhausted you feel when you have a newborn and aren't getting sleep, and not the kind of exhausted you are after you cried out your eyes out all day...this is far beyond what I have ever dealt with.

I honestly feel like I want to shut myself off from the whole world...including my family and friends. I am tired all day even tho I am sleeping 8 plus hours a night. My headaches are happening daily and continuing to get worse as the months go by. At first if I would ignore the dull pain I could make it through a day, now I am barely trucking through the day at all. I am trying to keep up with life and our activities and pictures...but I am afraid that I one day will not be able to do it anymore! I don't want to complain because then I feel like I am failing at the one thing that is the most important to control...but I am failing to grasp this.

My body & head are hurting nonstop and there is no relief to my problem. I have to continue to force myself through the day, because this is never going away...but I am afraid one day will come and I wont be able to put on a happy face anymore and I will lose everything I love.

Since surgery, I seem to have diarrhea of the mouth...things come out that shouldn't or something I plan on saying nicely comes out rude and witchy. So if I say something out of the blue or rude...please ignore me!!

I am at the verge of tears all the time and usually I can handle a lot of crap but right now I just feel weak.. I don't know how to socialize with people anymore..its hard to have a conversation with people without the pain taking over. What happened to my easy going, funny, laughing Tisha that I used to be? Will I ever be that person I was...I highly doubt it! 100 percent of my day involves me concentration on lowering my pain level. So I am sorry to all you wonderful people that I try to socialize with and fail! I really wish it was different! I'm starting to wonder if ACM is beginning to change me as a person...I always thought it changed me for the better...but now I am worried I will never be the same mother, friend, wife, etc that I used to be!

Please dont judge me on this post...I just needed to get all this out and whats a better place then here!