Strength it's just a vision

This is such a ridiculously silly "disease"! It really just makes me want to beat the living tar out of people. If only it was that easy! JK. This tiny disease (as i view it) is exhausted and frustrating! GRR. There are a 1000 other things that I can think of that are worse then this but this "tiny" disease its just beating me down.

Its the lack of sleep I believe that is making it so hard. I am sleeping a maximum of 3 hours a night...this has been going on for a couple months. If there is a "good" night and I can manage more hours then 3 then I wake up in extreme head pain. Example, about a week ago I was spent I slept all night no interruptions and I woke up to a swollen face & neck, and my eye was swollen shut not to mention all the pain to go with it. On the plus side I looked like a swamp monster...hair and all! The kids really enjoyed that. So it made me laugh! LOL.

I really have no idea what causes this but I think its from laying on one side of my head to long that it actually shuts the fluid from draining down and I end up with extreme swelling?? 


Everyday it seems like I have been asked this: Why don't you seek a 2nd opinion and get some answers.  The answer in my head to that question is usually....would you go and rack up bills on something that isn't fixable? NO? Then stop freaking asking me!!

Truthfully here is why:
1. Insurance covers some but not all and I have cost our family enough hardship that I refuse to do it again. Even if I am in pain its not worth others suffering with me.
2. There is NO cure for what I have so in my eyes if its not fixable then I have to learn how to deal with this crud!
3. The main reason might be I am terrified that they are going to say we need to do another surgery and honestly I just cant. For the cost. For the pain. For my family. For the nightmares. Its N O T worth it EVER!


Weak is how I am feeling lately, people are irritating me immensely... and normal stresses seem to be ALOT more stressful then ever!

People say I am the strongest person they know. HAHA, well I am feeling anything but strong! I cant deal with anything the way a person should and I am getting really down on myself. I am not strong...I do what I have to do to survive. That's not strong that's just how anyone would do it or so I feel that's how they would do it. Life really is how you make it!

Blah blah...enough about me. Things will get better they always do. Just hopefully sooner then later this time! I am thankful for all the wonderful family and friends I have...they have made this a 100 times more bearable!! God has continued to bless my family each and everyday...hopefully I will always remember that!